Friday, July 08, 2005

Rules

All week I have been stuck here at the complex. I can't leave if contractors are in my tenants' apartments. So, from 7:30 am to 5:30 or even 6 pm I have been stuck here. And at night I had family stuff to tend to. But tonight I just had to get out. So when my wife got home I went to the local Barnes and Noble. I read a book about the art of American arms from the French and Indian War through the modern period (Note: Knowing that a slightly overwheight man wearing knee-britches and a powdered wig is the same man who killed 11 of his country's enemies with a steel-edged brass tomahawk in-laid with gold causes one to re-evaluate the the entire symbology of 18th century European fashion.), several very good essays in the leftist Foreign Policy magazine (one doesn't have to agree with an argument to appreciate it), and every page of a book called "Esquire's Rules". This last item was hillarious. It made me wonder what rules I would include in my own rule book for men...

#1 Always open doors for women.
#2 Saying "tall", "grande", or "vente" when ordering coffee makes you 1/16 less of a man
#3 Don't date women who wear clothing with the Playboy logo on it. You don't need the trouble.
#4 Own a gun and know how to use it.
#5 Make sure it is clean, and put it away until needed. (It is rarely needed.)
#7 When someone begins a story with "It was like this..." they are lying.
#8 Wearing capri pants in any situation that does not involve riding a Vespa scooter along the mediteranean coast with a woman you just met riding behind you makes you 1/3 less of a man.
#9 Wearing capri pants in the above described situation makes you 1/8 less of a man.
#10 If the tailor asks "above or below?" the correct answer is "above"
#11 If the drink is a martini and the bartender asks "up or over?" walk out.
#12 There is no shame in drinking sparkling water at a cocktail party.
#13 Read Lamentations at least once a year.
#14 At least 3 times in your life you will need to know how to tie a bowline, or a sheepshank.
#15 When dealing with angry people stay calm and do not show fear.
#17 A dull knife is an accident waiting to happen.
#18 You should not own a dog that needs to wear a sweater.
#19 "You da man" went out when the dot-com bubble burst.
#20 Pie is okay for breakfast.
#21 Do not complain about the food at Denny's. You should have known better.
#22 Neither George Washington nor Abraham Lincoln went to college. Unless you've done greater things than they, don't tell people what degrees you have.
#23 When deciding whom to hire, remember that it is more difficult to graduate from Fresno State in 5 years than from Stanford in 4.
#24 The lottery is the only voluntary tax in California.
#25 Don't carry deadly weapons or you might use them.
#26 Do not befriend men in suits who wear pinkie rings.
#27 When you are in a meeting in Vegas with clients of your firm and an old Italian man wearing a pinkie ring refers to your boss as "Little Joey" it is time to consider looking for a new job.
#28 When police say "anything you say can be used against you in a court of law" they are telling the truth.
#29 When ever you are in court, for any reason whatsoever, the only person you should trust is your own lawyer.
#30 Do not wear wingtips with chinos, jeans, or cords.
#31 In a decent cocktail at least 1/2 of the mass must be a liquor of higher than 80 proof.
#32 Nobody is impressed when your coffee order requires more than 5 words.
#33 Ordering a caramel machiato deminishes your manhood by no less than 10%
#34 Tuck in your shirt and buton your cuffs.
#35 Do not ridicule anyone's religion unless it happens to be Scientology or Astrology.
#36 Be helpful to foreigners.
#37 If you are a Christian you must turn the other cheek when someone strikes you, but it is wrong to invoke the cheek-turning rule when you see the innocent (other than yourself) being attacked.
#38 In the United States the law requires that all Vodka is colorless, odorless, and tasteless. Do not waste money on "premium" Vodka.
#39 Only windsor knots.
#40 Keep jumper cables, flares, and oil in the trunk of your car.
#41 You do not need tires that are rated for over 120 MPH.
#42 Do not have things for the sake of having them, because then they have you.
#43 Call police officers "sir" even if they are only 1/2 your age.
#44 Do not say "scrumptious"
#45 Know when and where to apply a tourniquet. And, equally importantly, where not and when not.
#46 It is not girly to send thank you cards.
#47 It is girly to send thank you cards with butterflies or flowers printed on them.
#48 Riding a motorcycle makes you 15% more interesting.
#49 Do not inflate adjectives. If someting is merely pleasant, do not say it is amazingly fabulous.
#50 Going to see a movie is the worst possible first date.

3 comments:

Huw Raphael said...

Although I noticed that one's manhood can only go down. The only thing that goes up - on a motorcycle - is "interest". I work with a number of good therapists if you'd like the number :-)

Matt said...

I don't do therapy. Hey! Have you bougt the new wheels yet? The things that make a man more manly, that is "men with chests" require essays, not short little rules.

olympiada said...

Hmmmm I am not sure about these rules, perhaps my taste in men is a little off beat, but some of the things that are no-nos for you I like....like I think it is good to inflate adjectives. I like 'flamboyant' men, like dramatic men...They are more interesting, less safe, but more interesting. I like volcanic men. :)