Talk Show Life

I don't own a television. I like it that way. But One of the things I miss is watching talk shows. I loved Johnny and Dave and Tom and Dick. I even liked those daytime guys, Mike and Merv. And you know what? I'm not ashamed to say that, except for the homo thing, I always kind of wanted to be Merv. You know - the ascot, the Beverly Hills Hotel, Wheel of Fortune, the great hair, the perfectly pressed pants, and the mellifluous voice. Who wouldn't want that? But that is a topic for a different post, mi amigo.

About two weeks ago I had the funniest dream. I was the first guest on the Tonight Show. Which meant I got to sit next to Ed and move down the couch as other guests came on. And this was pre-1980 when the show was still on 90 minutes each night. And who was the second guest? Angie Dickinson! That's right! I got to sit next to Police Woman!!! Can you believe it? Talk about great scheduling. But the rest of the guests were great, too. It was a real A-List. I could have kissed my agent for getting me on the show.

First up after Angie was Buddy Hackett, then Don Rickles, who really is one of the nicest guys I've ever met, came on and he and Johnny got into it over the cigarette box again. It was so funny I thought Angie was going to bust a seam out of that tight silver sequined dress.

Then Don zeroed in on me and said,"What are you laughing at? What religion are you?" And I said "I'm Orthodox." And that was all it took. "You're chosen like me and Buddy? Johnny! What are you doing? Is Sammy Davis Jr. in the wings? Are we doing a remake of the 10 Commandments tonight? Hey. I saw that. Stop looking at her legs. They don't let us have the Aryan women, bris boy. Buddy, give Matty some of the Manischewitz. Sitting next to to the gentile pulchritude there is a too much for him."

The whole audience was laughing hard, gasping for breath, and begging for mercy. I was cackling. I had just been insulted by Don Rickles. It was like I was at the Friar's Club getting roasted. And I was thinking, "How can it get any better than this?" when, about 70 minutes into the show, Dean Martin comes out.

Now, Buddy and me and Don had each a little sip of something in the green room, but Buddy was up to something. The whole time he was waiting to go out on stage he kept pouring for Dean. And Deano (he lets me call him that) was drinking like a fish. So when Dean came out he was totally lit. I mean, like Vegas at night. He tried to sit on the desk, tripped over me while trying to shake hands with Ed. That kind of stuff. But, and I know this is hard to believe, he was so cool and smoooth that it wasn't obnoxious. In fact, it was funny.

Now Buddy, who had been sucking on and re-lighting a Robusto all evening, and Don were totally mocking Dean who thought he was having an intelligent and intelligible conversation about how important it is for a singer to take care of his voice. So while that's going on I quietly ask Angie, "Hey, that story about your legs being insured for a million dollars, is that true?" And do you know what she says? "Yes, but it was only for a week. Publicity." Now for some reason, Ed thought this was the funnest thing he'd ever heard. (Ed's weird.) And that set Buddy to guffawing. And Deano got all insulted, thinking that Ed was laughing at him. And then Don says to Dean,"Calm down, Jerry, the mic didn't mean anything by it." Jerry! He called him Jerry! No one was expecting that. And that set Johnny off. I mean he got tickled, and you know how hard it is to get Johnny to stop laughing once he gets going.

Next thing I know, Dean" is trying trying to stand up to prove he is a good singer, totally slurring the words of ""Memories Are Made of This", by the way, and Buddy and Don jump up and start dancing to the song. (Doc had the orchestra ready, so that part of the show must have been scripted.) It was so nuts! Even Angie said, "this is too much" and pulled a hip flask out of I don't know where (you know how she dresses) to take a pull of scotch. I swear! It was the best Tonight Show experience I ever had. And that was before the guy from the zoo even brought out the weasel, or koala or whatever the hell it was. Don't ask me. I was sitting next to Police Woman. But the best part, and I'm not making this up, is when Carol Wayne, Dyan Canon, and Bernadette Peters came on stage dressed up like the Spirit of '76 and did an Andrews Sisters impersonation in honor of Bob Hope's 200th birthday.

It was a great night. I think the only thing that could have made it better is if Orson Wells had been on that night to tell one of his great and amazing (I didn't say tall) stories. But I woke up before that happened.