Monday, December 01, 2008

Mysteries of Antioch

We all know about the spear "found" by that Crusader monk in 1098, but I often wonder if somewhere in a nearly forgotten vault in Damascus Patriach Ignatius IV has hidden away that other dread weapon of antiquity, and is just waiting for a reason to count to three.

"...And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, "O Lord, bless this Thy hand grenade that with it Thou mayest blow Thine enemies to tiny bits, in Thy mercy." And the Lord did grin and the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats and large chu... And the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin, then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thine Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it." (Book of Armaments 2:9-21)

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