An Observation Regarding Sin

Sin is a major reson I became Orthodox. I was tired of it ruling my life. I had been a Christian (protestant) all my life but was ruled by sin. I didn't know that when I first encountered Holy Orthodoxy, though. I thought I was free in Christ. That I couldn't really sin, that sin had been destroyed by Jesus on the cross and that if it seemed like I was sinning I wasn't because, you know, I was free in Christ and the whole category of sin didn't apply to me anymore. Really. That is what I believed. (It is a heresy called Antinomianism. A lot of Calvinists fall into it.)

It was only after I became a catechumen and started talking with the priest at Synaxsis of the Theotokos that I understood that I really could be free of sin, not just forensically justified. (My friend Matt had told me this, too but he was a Catholic, so what did he know?) If it was the Orthodox dogmas of apostolic succession that set the hook in my jaw it was teaching regarding Theosis that reeled me in. It was the craving to be sinless the compelled me to be Orthodox.

I expected that at the moment I was Chrismated I would not have any desire to sin. I thought that from that moment leading a sinless life would be as easy as a cake walk. I persisted in my fantasy of instant relief even though the priest warned me against thinking this, that in fact, the opposite would happen. The priest was right. The walk became much more difficult.

But something interesting has happened. I'm not sure if I can explain it but I will try. Gradually, some of the sins I used to comit, things I had lived with my whole life seemed to have less power over me. The desire to do them seems to be much less that it was. I am still tempted from outside, but internally I do not respond the same way.

Have you ever seen a wire vibrating next to another wire? It is not long before the wire that was not vibrating begins to vibrate with the same frequency as the first wire. There is someting in people (or me at least) like that second wire, it responds to, alligns with, catches the vibe of what is going on around it. It is that respnsive vibration to sin that seems to have gradually changed.

As I look back I see a continuum that I am going through.

Right after my Chrismation, and after the illusion of instant sanctification had been shattered I seemed to be in a fear stage. I earnestly prayed "...lead me not into temptation..." several times a day. I was almost terrified of temptation because I knew I would fall. From there I kind of moved in to an annoyance stage. I resented the the things that tempted me. I began to think of them as enemies, as persons who hated me. And then I wen't into kind of a boredom stage. The old temptations would come by and I would kind of yawn and say, "ho-hum. You again?"

I don't mean that I am at this third stage in regard to all temptation and sin. With some I am still in the fear stage. With others I am in the annoyance stage. In others I am I the ho-hum stage.

And it seems that the Holy Mysteries keep changing me in a way I didn't expect. The more often I go to confession, the more often I commune, the more clearly I see my sins and recognize that they are alien to who I am becoming. I am discovering sins that I didn't even know were sins. It is kind of like getting dressed in the dark. I thought I was putting on black sock to go with my charcoal pants, but was really putting on brown socks. But until I was in a room with enough light I couldn't tell they were the wrong color. Every time I go to confession or communion I have a little more light shined on me and I see things I didn't see before.

"Do not be surprised that you fall every day, do not give up, but stand your ground courageously. And assuredly, the angel who guards you will honor your patience. While a wound is still fresh and warm, it is easy to heal; but old, neglected and festering ones are hard to cure, and require for their care much treatment, cutting, plastering and cauterization. Many from long neglect become incurable, but with God all things are possible."
--St. John Climacus

"Thank you but if I have one I'll have a hundred and just won't stop"
--Johnny Cash

And yes, I keep falling. Even, rarely, with some of the sins in stage three. But those seem to be sins that St. John Climacus calls "old, neglected, festering ones". They were part of me for so long that I seem so quick to accept them back. I remember seeing Johnny Cash back in 95 or 96. He was offered a bottle of whisky by someone in the front row. He said, "Thank you but if I have one I'll have a hundred and just won't stop." That's the way it is with these "old neglected, festering ones" it is like that. One sip leads to swimming in the bottle.

But here is someting interesting.... I have seen an angel get between me and a sin. A few days of resisting, praying, struggling and then just as I am about to give in an angel steps in and the stumbling block is gone.

But if I do not struggle, well, Satan is at the door ready to come in, isn't he?