Wheeeeeerrrrrre's Johnny?

I'm sure everyone knows Johnny carson died this morning. I saw the tonight show for the first time on May 19, 1980. How do I remember the date? It was the day after Mount St. Helens exploded. I was 10 years old. I was amazed. I had never seen anything like the Tonight Show.

By the end of the monologue I was totally hooked on Johnny Carson. I watched his show almost every night from the time I was 10 years old until I went away to basic training when I was 17. When I was 14 I talked my parents into buying me a navy blazer. And guess what, it had Johnny Carson's signature on the label.

I used to love it when Buddy Hackett and Dean Martin were on the the show. And, Oh Boy! when Don Rickles was on too, look out! I remember this one time, Dino was so drunk he could barely stand up. From audiece left to audience right: Ed, Don Rickels, Buddy Hacket, the very drunk Dean Martin, and Johnny. While Johnny is talking with Dean, Buddy keeps flicking cigarette ashes into Dean's drink. Dean doesn't see it but every time Buddy does it, the audience laughes and Dino looks around trying to figure out what he said that was so funny. Every time Dean Martin did this, Buddy looked around trying like he didn't know what was funny either, and Don Rickles and Ed McMahon busted up laughing. And I, an 11 year old boy busted up laughing, too. I mean I was on the floor rolling and howling. I laughed so hard my sides were aching. I was so sad when Johnny changed the format of the show from 90 to 60 minutes back in the early 80's. And then he retired altogether in 1993. It was such a bummer. It was like the great comedians of the Borscht Belt and Vegas of the 50's and 60's had no friendly place to go after Johnny retired.

I remember this other routine I saw, it was maybe 1981 or 1982. Bill Cosby did his dentist routine. I can't even begin to describe how good this was. The next day I had to go to the hospital for some tests, while I was laying on the table for a very horrible procedure to be done, I was doing the whole routine for the X-ray technichian. I was laughing so hard I was in tears. Eventually, the the X-ray tech got annoyed and said, "Kid, you have to be still so I can take these pictures." I said, "You don't understand, he said 'smoke! I smell smoke! FIRE!!!' "and just fell apart in laughter. Sometimes, my friend Jeff and I do this routine together. (Gin is usually nearby.)

The Tonight show was also where I first saw George Carlin do his Football/Baseball routine. He was better then than he is now. Now he is just angry and bitter. Back then he was genuinely funny.

The Tonight Show is also where I first heard Tony Bennett sing. Where I first saw Buddy Rich pound the drums. Fell in love with Madeleine Kahn, Bernadette Peters, and Terri Gar. Just sat there amazed at Liberace. It wasn't until many years later that I found out that he was homosexual and then it kind of, but not really, made sense.

I remember the first time I saw Jimmy Stewart on the show. Until I saw him on the Tonight Show I didn't know he was still alive. I had seen Mr. Smith Goes to Wasington when I was really little (6 or 7) and totally loved the movie. So when I saw him come out on stage it was just so neat. I remember thinking that it was so neat that he was a real General in the Air Force. I will never ever forget the poem he read to his dog, Bo. Then there were the wildlife people, Joan Embry and that other guy. I think Joan was from the San Diego Zoo. The other guy was from Wild Kingdom.

Oh, Gosh, thene there were the guys I always thougt of as "the Steves". I don't think they were ever on on the same night, but Steve Lawrence, Steve Allen, and Steven Wright (My two favorite Steven Wright jokes: "I got a new map. The scale is 1:1" & "42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.") were always fun to watch. Two are comedians. One is a singer. I liked all three.

I never liked Dolly Parton as a guest on the Tonight Show, she never seemed real to me. But one night Johhny was interviewing her and it was the most boring interview ever. Then totally out of the blue he said "I'd give a weeks pay for a look under there". Now that in itself was pretty crass, but hearing Johnny, a suave cool guy, say something so stupid was just plain funny. It was like big boobs had totally killed his brain! But it was a funny moment in an otherwise boring interview.

I learned one very important thing from watching the Tonight Show staring Johnny Carson, When they pick a permanent guest host it's time to start watcing your back.

It's funny, I don't even watch television anymore. But when I did, I watched Johnny.
Never liked Leno.

Oh, in case you are wondering, this is the Jimmy Stewart poem that made Johnny Carson and me cry.

My dog, named Bo
by Jimmy Stewart

He never came to me when I would call,
unless I had a tennis ball
-or he felt like it.
But mostly--he didn't come at all.
When he was young,
he never learned,
to heel, or sit or stay,
he did things his way.
Discipline was not his bag,
but when you were with him,
things sure didn't drag.
He'd dig up a rose bush just to spite me,
and when I'd grab 'im he'd turn and bite me.
He bit lots of folks from day to day,
the deliv'ry boy was his favorite prey.
The gas man wouldn't read our meter,
he said we owned a real man-eater.
He set the house on fire,
but the story's long to tell.
Suffice to say that he survived,
and, the house survived as well.
And on evening walks
(and Gloria took him),
he was always first out the door.
The old one and I,
brought up the rear
because our bones were sore.
And he'd charge up the street
with Mom hangin' on,
what a beautiful pair they were.
And if it was still light,
and the tourists were out,
they created a bit of a stir!
But every once in awhile
he'd stop in his tracks
and with a frown on his face, look around.
It was just t'make sure,
that the old one was there,
to follow him where he was bound.
We're early-to-bedders in our house
I guess I'm the first to retire,
and as I'd leave the room, he'd look at me
and get up from his place by the fire.
He knew where the tennis balls were, upstairs
and I'd give 'im one for awhile
and he'd push it under the bed with his nose
and I'd dig it out with a smile.
But before very long, he'd tire of the ball
and he'd be asleep in his corner in no time at all,
and there where nights when I'd feel him climb up on our bed
and lie between us, and I'd pat his head;
and there were nights when I'd feel this stare,
and I'd wake up and he'd be sitting there
and I'd reach out to stroke his hair;
and sometimes I'd feel him sigh,
and I think I know the reason why.
He'd wake up at night,
and he would have this fear
of the dark, of life, of lot's of things,
and he'd be glad to have me near.
And now he's dead.
And there are nights when I think I feel him
climb up on our bed,
and lie between us, and I pat his head;
and there are nights when I think I feel that stare,
and I reach out my hand to stroke his hair,
and he's not there.
Oh, how I wish that wasn't so,
I'll always love a dog named Bo.