Thursday, May 24, 2012

When it rains it pours

Imagine the most horrible thing possible.  I can't tell you what that is.  It's your imagination, and what you imagine is the most horribe thing is probably not the most horrible thing as I imagine it.  Now, pretend that horrible thing is really happening.  Yes, that is what is happening to me.  But it isn't imaginary.  It is real. The most horrible thing I can imagine is actually happening to me. If I was not absolutely sure suicides go directly to Hell my straight razor would be in my hand at this moment.  Some people think Hell is a bad thing.  But to me, right now, the threat of Hell is the only thing keeping me alive.  Some people think God  a merciful God wouldn't let there be a Hell.  Those people are wrong.  Right now Hell is proof to me of God's mercy.

5 comments:

Janelle thegeekywife said...

Lord have mercy.

DebD said...

Lord have mercy upon Thy servant, Matthew and his family.

Matthew, please find someone you can talk through this with. I know how hard it is to pick up the phone, but please do it, for your family's sake.

Lots of prayers to the Most Holy Theotokos for you.

Athanasia said...

Matt, I've been there done that - nearly exactly as you wrote. Every night I went to bed and prayed, no begged God, to please not let me waken in the morning. For years I prayed that. His answer was for me to see the daylight, day after day.

I sought counseling and learned much about myself. I cried, wailing, cursed and eventually came to see the darkness for what it was. And to see the Light for what It was/is.

Heed DebD's words. See a counselor Matt. Talk it out. It's hard work. Very hard. But I promise - with time - it gets better. Pinky promise.

Many hugs and tears for you brother.

Rebecca said...

Matt, I know you feel like this is the end of the world but it is not. Your boys will continue to need you as a father and you need to pull yourselve together and show them how a man walks through tribulation. Show them what love and grace look like. Read Job, talk to your priest, talk to me or Dan or anyone you trust. And learn what God would like to teach you during this time and you will be ok. I love you.

s-p said...

I've stared into that abyss many times. I considered murder/suicide several times just to not drag my kids through the pain of their father committing suicide. I ended up getting help and prozac. It was like someone turned the light on on life for me. I hope it works for you too. Peace, my brother.