Tired

Monday I said to Athanasia,"Sometimes I look at people around us who are just living life and I wish I could be like them." What I meant is that from the time I was a teenager I've had various plans for the future and have tried (and usually failed, but that is a different matter) to execute those plans. For example, today's plan is to get the MA in history while Athanasia gets the MS in disaster management then get jobs at some little college outside of the bay area (I'm thinking something like College of the Ozarks, Grove City, or St John's) where I will teach part-time and manage rental housing and Athanasia will work in student housing or disaster preparedness. But in the meantime, there is life to be lived now. Kids need to be fed, clothed, and educated. And there is the liturgical life of the Church which is often neglected. I mean, this is Tuesday evening (which to Jews and Orthodox Christians is really Wednesday), the time I should chant the Akathist to the Theotokos, but I had a full day of kids and work and still have a 100 pages of reading and a short assignment for for school to write. I'm not really complaining, I just, sometimes, wonder if life would be better if I tried to do less? I look at people I know who are free to do so much useful stuff, like volunteer at Raphael House, or with the IOCC, or who are able to move to new mission fields and help pioneer new parishes. It seems I spend all my time in preparation, living in the future. Mainly, I am tired. I don't get enough sleep. It might be the case, if I got more than 5 hours sleep each night I'd feel better about the path I am on. Well, I don't have time to do the whole akathist. I'll do one of the shorter prayers. Then I'll do the reading and the short assignment. But I am happy to finally be in grad school. I never thought of my undergraduate studies as being anything other than an obstacle between me grad school. So, I'm happy I'm finally doing it. The work is fun but I am not sure that it isn't vanity.